"If you become someone who is uncomfortable unless she is creating change, restless if things are standing still, and disappointed if you haven't failed recently, you've figured out how to become comfortable with the behaviors most likely to make you safe going forward." ~Seth Godin The Icarus Deception

 

 

A lot of people who don't know me very well are always very surprised to hear that I deal with fear because I do a lot of scary, risky things and yet I don't outwardly appear to be fearful.

 

The truth of it is that I actually have a very rich and complicated relationship to fear. Which includes experiencing it in about as many different ways as is humanly possible. 

 

On the emotional level, I have been awakened  in the middle of the night with eye popping, heart pounding, hyperventilating panting panic as well as feeling plagued at other times by free floating anxiety and a deep sense of dread. Physically I have run the gamut from sleepless nights, to lying on the couch for days at a time from emotionally induced back spasms, breaking out in hives and a whole panoply of gastrointestinal distress symptoms. And psychologically I have suffered from lack of confidence, self doubt and full on catastrophic thinking.

 

 So fear is not a stranger to me. 

 

And I don't like this dance with fear one least little bit. It makes me decidedly cranky and it's also something I whine about on a regular basis.

 

I remember one time when I was doing yet another mind-numbingly terrifying, reaching beyond my current comfort zone kind of thing and I said to my husband. "I am SO sick of this. Why do I always have to go through this process every time I'm doing something new. I wish I could find a way to not be so scared of this (fill in the blank)."

 

And my husband, who is a very wise man as well as being more than a bit of a smart ass said " Just do something scarier!" 

 

Which was actually brilliant and very much to the point. Because fear is related to the unknown and the unfamiliar. To doing things I've never done before. And expanding my horizons out even further than I'm already stretched means that the formerly terrifying thing recedes into "not-so-scary-after-all"status. 

 

I think what makes me so willing to go through the fear again and again and again is that once I do the nerve wracking thing …. whether it's having an emotionally vulnerable conversation, or  writing  a risky blog post or making a video for the first time or creating a new workshop …. I often end up feeling all kinds of really wonderful emotions like exhilaration, pride and deep satisfaction. 

 

It also helps that even though I FEEL fear I don't identify with fear. I don't define myself as a fearful person. Fear is something that I regularly experience but I'm very clear it is not at core who I am. 

 

In my experience, there are two kinds of fear.

 

There is what I call "real" fear, which is based on actual danger in the moment, like encountering a person who wants to do you harm, having a near miss while driving, or slipping close to the edge of an actual ( not metaphorical) cliff. It's related to stuff outside of yourself and it's always happening in the here and now. 

 

But the fear I am exploring here is much more akin to anxiety and is directly linked to how you think about and talk to yourself. It originates in the gray matter between your ears. It's all wrapped up in beliefs and perceptions about your abilities and capacities to have an impact on the world and to make things happen. 

 

What you are afraid of with this second kind of fear is that you don't have what it takes to do what you want to do. It's the fear that comes when you are testing yourself, pushing your limits, and trying something you've never tried before. Which means you aren't confident yet that you can pull this new thing off successfully.

 

This form of fear is also associated with needing other people's acceptance and outside approval.

 

It's being convinced that you can't ever get those things because you can't see YOURSELF as someone who has value. Who is good enough. Who is deserving of attention and applause. It has deep roots in old beliefs related to shame and lack of self worth. And lack of trust in yourself. 

 

There are a few things I've learned about this second type of fear and how to deal with it  that I have listed below, in the hope that it will be helpful to you in dealing with your own relationship to fear.

Fear is not something that you have to mange or get rid of.

 Lots of folks think that they have to be totally free of fear before they can take the risks they need to take to make changes in their lives. Which is the biggest fallacy about fear that there is.  So they try to fix the fear with insight and understanding. They are convinced  that unearthing the roots of the fear and gaining clarity about where it's coming from or why it's there will help them get over it.

 

But there is no getting over it. 

 

And there is no such thing as being fearless. There is only the everyday courage that is available to all of us. And this courage only gets activated by taking compassionate action in the face of fear. 

 

Focusing on trying to get to the bottom of fear keeps you engaged with it in ways that are distinctly unhelpful. Obsessing about gaining insights into it is simply a distraction from doing what the fear doesn't want you to do in the first place. Which is changing, creating, growing and expanding.

 

I will often take steps to soothe and comfort myself around fear, making attempts to calm my body down through things like breathing or meditation, yoga or massage. But that's very different from trying to banish it entirely or getting caught in the tricksy bramble bushes of thinking that you have to totally make sense of it and sort it out before you can  make a move in the direction of your dreams and desires.

 

Fear is always about the future.

 

It's obsessing about something that hasn't happened yet which means it's impossible to deal with actual real world concerns in the here and now. Its tormenting yourself with all the potential bad things that could possibly happen and catastrophizing about worst case scenarios. One of my favorite quotes is "Worry is a misuse of the imagination" by author Dan Zadra. And our imagination was made for better things than spending our precious time making up 10 million different versions about how things can go horribly wrong.

 

Fear is simply another form of energy.

 

When you take the time to explore fear on the visceral level, it is simply a bunch of different sensations. It's all the things associated with a surge of adrenaline, like your heart pounding faster, sweaty palms or a tightness in your chest. It's a stepping into hyper alertness which is the bodies response to new and untried situations. It can be distinctly unpleasant but never in and of itself dangerous. And if you don't feed it with your thoughts it will ebb and flow just like any other kind of energy.

 

Fear only becomes a problem when you make up stories related to the fear and then believe them. And these stories are usually all about how inadequate, unprepared, defective, imperfect, incompetent, and inferior we think we are.

 

When you are believing those fear based stories, you are forgetting the truth about your most essential nature, which is that you are filled with startling beauty, wondrous gifts, and uniquely valuable superpowers. 

 

You are forgetting that fear is simply a feeling and a state of mind. But that we always have a choice about how to act. And that when our actions are coming from that core of love that is always there no matter how scared we might be, all the fear we ever could imagine can't stop us from bringing that love into the world.

 

 

Many of the retreats that I facilitate end up having a theme that spontaneously evolves during the course of the workshop.

 

It's like there is an energy that begins with one person that then catches fire with the the group as a whole. It's really exciting when that happens because it's the way that the workshop participants actively co-create the experience with me and with each other. 

 

And the theme of one of my most recent workshop, that ended up being a true clarion call was "It's all about ME!!"

 

 

This was partly in response to a gauntlet that I always throw down in my workshops where I challenge people to practice being "needy, greedy and proud of it" while they are on one of my retreats.

 

Which is a concept that is often met with more than a few raised eyebrows, because it invites folks to embrace parts of themselves that they normally feel embarrassed and ashamed of. Need and greed are most often kept under lock and key in the shame box of most people's psyches. And are rarely considered to be positive traits to be celebrated and embraced. 

 

 

What I am encouraging people to be needy and greedy about are soul hungers. 

 

To eagerly allow themselves to WANT love, support and encouragement. 

 

To have the hots for the experience of being seen and witnessed and valued.

 

To joyfully indulge the hunger for the boundaries that will allow you to carve out space and time for oneself.

 

To surrender to the craving to be creative.

 

To revel in your lust to shine.

 

To abandon yourself to the longing for play, fun and the desire to do nothing at all.

 

To be passionate about the yearning to dance, to feel, to laugh and howl and cry.

 

To luxuriate in the craving to be absolutely and completely who you are from your nose to your toes. 

 

 

I think about this category of need as being related to keeping us alive and healthy and happy on an ENERGETIC level. 

 

 

But, unfortunately, we are taught that feeding our souls and our hearts, giving time, attention or goddess forbid, MONEY, to anything that is NOT related to our bodies, our physical possessions and our bank accounts, is completely unnecessary. 

 

We get the message that if we indulge our need for beauty and creative self expression, art workshops or jewelry, that means that we are in danger of becoming "spoiled". We are told that we are frivolous and shallow. Maybe even irresponsible because giving those things to ourselves will most certainly mean taking precious resources from someplace else.

 

 

We have all bought into the belief that fueling ourselves on these more spiritual levels is not something we should take seriously.

 

 

But this is a place where especially as women, we get ourselves into a huge PILE of trouble.

 

We would never dream of arguing with the idea that to keep our car going we need to fill the tank with gas, change the oil and have regular tune-ups.

 

And of course it is totally OBVIOUS that without food, our body will wither, collapse and eventually die.

 

We know that expecting our car or body to keep running without fuel is ludicrous. 

 

 

But we have no problem expecting our spirits and souls to keep operating at a high level on an essentially starvation diet. 

 

 

I know a number of women, myself included, who have suffered from something called adrenal exhaustion. This disorder is partially caused by continually pushing ourselves to keep DOING more and more and more without enough rest and downtime.

 

 

But I think it's also deeply related to not validating and attending to our spiritual and emotional needs.

 

 

Until we can actively define those particular needs as LEGITIMATE they will always end up at the bottom of the priority list. 

 

 

And then find ourselves continually teetering on the edge of spiritual malnourishment without ever understanding why. 

 

 

This is one of the main reasons that I do what I do.

 

 

Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than watching women wake up to those hungry places inside and to witness them being imbued with juicy, sparkly eyed aliveness when they realize they have the encouragement and support to confidently claim their right to feed their souls to their hearts content.

 

 

It is a joy beyond anything I have ever experienced, knowing that I am sending women back into their lives, full of energy and deeply nourished. As well as having the tools and permission to continue feeding themselves on this heart and soul level, abundantly and with no apologies.

 

This can and should be YOU!

 

You deserve to feel good. To be lusciously and deliciously plumped up and shiny with beauty and art and self care and divine feminine love. To have energy to spare. To not be dragging yourself through your life feeling constantly drained and depleted and like you're trying to run your life on spiritual fumes.

 

You have full permission... NOW. This very moment. To put your soul needs at the top of the list. Which is where they have belonged all along.  

 

 

I have also been threatening to create a tee shirt with the Needy, Greedy and Proud Of It slogan as a logo for YEARS! And I'm thrilled to say that it has finally happened. I commissioned one of my favorite artists and human beings, the ever delightful David Doodleslice Cohen, to come up with one of his signature doodle designs and feel like he has captured the essence of this concept beautifully!!

 

So stay tuned. Before too long I will have a link to a store where you can get your very own Needy, Greedy swag to help to remind you to keep your heart tank full and humming. 

 

 

When I get caught up in the swirling momentum of my life
Buried by busyness
Overcome by obligation
Seduced by the mad compulsion to cross off as many things on my to-do list as possible

 

I find myself forgetting my most essential nature
And losing track of a most basic truth

 

That I am a being of light

Spirit made manifest through blood and bone
Beauty dancing on two legs

 

When this shocking realization
Makes itself known 
Again for the thousandth t

 

I stop … if only for as long as it takes
To feel the miracle of the silky smoothness of my breath

While putting my hand to my cheek

Astonished that I am even here at all

 

And shyly taking a moment to look at myself in the closest mirror
I find myself stunned into wonderment
At the galaxy of love that is always there 
Waiting for me to remember who I really am
Just behind my eyes

 

She is cracking

She is bleeding

She is birthing 

She is grieving

 

She is howling a holy yes

She is growling a sacred no

 

She is dancing

She is laughing

She is painting

She is drenched in color

 

She is speaking her truth

She is claiming her power

She is breaking open her heart

She is knowing who she truly is

 

 

She is rising

She is rising

I just came back from my teacher training program and was blown away... as always.. by the magic that happens when you get a group of women together who are passionately devoted to their own heartfelt growth and expansion.

 

 

One of the things I love about the training is that each woman is asked to create a healing creative experience that the rest of her sisters get to participate in. Which means that the last segment of the program is like being at the most amazing workshop in the world with a long list of fabulous, genius women teachers.

 

 

The week was full of truly amazing miracles of all kinds. The studio was turned into a temple, a dance studio and a meditation hall.  We created altars and invoked the goddess of love and beauty and self care, wrote love letters to ourselves, sang love songs to each other, were healed by custom made aromatherapy, danced to our paintings and supported each others visions for how we were going to bring this creative process back into our communities. 

 

 

My teacher training is at heart a leadership training program. A program to help women step into their full feminine power. To become who they were truly meant to be and to bless the world with the gifts that they were born to express.

 

 

And one of the ways that it shows up in the training is that women in this program often end up painting big paintings. VERY big paintings. Paintings that take up a whole wall and climb up to the ceiling and beyond. My students eventually learn that they can unapologetically take up a huge amount of space in the studio. And they also begin to realize that the space they claim for themselves doesn't diminish the other women who are part of their creative tribe but actually gives their sisters even MORE permission to go big themselves.

 

 

But in addition to the big paintings there was another motif that kept making itself felt throughout the week. One of the images that kept showing up over and over again in the paintings was some version of the dark goddess.

 

 

She showed up as the snake haired Medusa. She showed up as the witch. She showed up as the howling, grieving, bleeding mother. And she showed up as a figure cloaked in black who didn't have a name but carried a great deal of mysterious mojo.

 

 

During the time we were on retreat, it was also the week when the first One Billion Rising event was blossoming all over the planet. I don't think it was any coincidence that women standing up for themselves and against violent abuses of power such as rape and oppression and sex slavery was happening at the same time these powerful goddess and goddess experiences were being birthed into visual form.

 

 

There was, and still is, something magical afoot. Something that is changing and moving and coming alive in women's hearts and minds and souls.

 

  

And I think a lot of it has to do with women reclaiming their power.

 

 

But one of the things I see and hear from the women I know is some confusion about what that really means. I think so many women have been subjected to abuses of power that they get confused, thinking thats' what power looks like.Which makes them incredibly reluctant to engage with their power because they are afraid that it will be destructive or hurt people. In the same ways that they have been hurt.

 

  

In Chinese Astrology, it's the year of the snake, and the snake is one face of the dark goddess. Snake energy is about going into the hidden places, unearthing the secrets and bringing what has been taboo and forbidden into light. 

 

  

 

One of the biggest taboos that women face at this moment in history is the fear of their own power. And the willingness to own that power. 

 

 

The thing about taboos and keeping things hidden is that there is tremendous energy required to keep things under wraps.

 

 

Energy that is no longer available to us for creation and movement and life. 

 

 

Which is what happens when woman keep power in the basement of their psyches. The energy that could be ours, IF we cleared away some of the ancient fears that still reside in our hearts and minds around the issue of power, could truly change the world.

 

 

But I think that before women can fully embrace power, they need to go through the process of redefining what power means to them. To begin to recognize that power doesn't have to be destructive but can also be a healing and creative force in the world. To remember from a place deep in the ancient soul of the divine feminine, that not all power is hurtful or abusive. 

 

 

True power is simply how the life force moves through us. It is life affirming and life enhancing.

 

 

It's a way of being as much as it is something you do. Our sense of power is something that feeds and fuels us. It's something that is at core what allows us to bring our gifts into the world.

 

 

There are many different kinds of power that women ALREADY know and are capable of claiming, like the power of love, generosity, kindness, caring, and support.

 

 

But there are some other forms of power that women are somewhat less comfortable with, primarily because they put a woman at the center of her own world.

  

Which is exactly where we are meant to be.

  

Here's a list of some of my favorite positive manifestations of sacred feminine power. It's not exhaustive. And I'm sure that you can add many more of your own. But it's a good place to start.

 

The Power to Protect

 

Women need to feel their fierceness, strength and anger. To know that they can keep themselves and their loved ones safe. That they have every right to create boundaries that will be respected, and if they can't be respected, then it's entirely legitimate for them to fight back, walk away or get whatever help they need to keep those boundaries secure.   

  

The Power Of Desire

 

Women need to know that it is totally valid for them to want whatever will make them happy. That their desires are valid and worthy of attention and respect. That wanting doesn't make them selfish or shallow but actually feeds them and fuels them and allows them to craft a life of their own unique and authentic design. 

 

 

The Power Of Choice

 

 Women need to experience the deeply felt potency of being able to say a clear and firm YES to what they do want and an equally clear NO if something doesn't work for them. No excuses. No apologies. No explanations. 

 

The Power To Act

 

Women need to know that they can take their visions and desires  and make them into something real and tangible in the world. That it's perfectly legitimate for them to not only BE but DO in a way that is effective and produces results. To experience the joy and sense of agency that comes from taking focused action in the service of their creative desires.

 

The Power To Shine

 

Women need to claim the wildly luminous radiance of their souls. To KNOW and admit and remember deep in their bones how beautiful and amazing they are and to no longer be afraid to proclaim that beauty and that brilliance in a million different ways. To unabashedly and with total delight blaze into the world as the supernovas they were always meant to be.

 

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If you are interested in my next Wild Heart Expressive Arts Teacher Training Program that begins in May of 2013 please click here for more information.