My husband is very anxious when we travel because he is always afraid that we are going to be robbed while we are out of town. Not too long after we first bought our home, we went away for a weekend and before we left we asked our new, friendly next door neighbor to keep an eye on our house for us.
When we got back we found that our neighbor was all in a twitter because while we were gone he happened to notice that our front door was wide open. He became understandably concerned and called the police, fearing that we had been broken into and that maybe there were still thieves in the house. The police did come by, poked around a bit and then reported to our neighbor that no one was there now but, yes, it appeared that we had been burglarized. Although they were somewhat puzzled because it didn't seem like anything obvious, like a television or computer, was missing.
Now what had happened was that my poor, sweet husband, in his overwrought state about going away, did not just leave the front door unlocked but wide open. Luckily the only person who noticed that fact was our neighbor. There had been no burglars at all. So why did the police conclude, in the face of the evidence that nothing actually seemed to be missing, that we had indeed been broken into? It was because our house was such a cluttered mess that it looked like we had been ransacked!!
I am a clutter queen. Piles of books on the floor, fabulous turquoise jewelry in a tumble on my dresser, bottles of various kinds of hippie health food supplements on my kitchen counters, a bed that only gets made if we have company , all kinds of writing and art projects strewn on the dining room table ( which we never eat on unless, again, we have company), you kind of get the picture. Now I don't like growing, smelly things so the dishes are always washed and I have a bona fide compulsion to have every article of clothing, towels etc. clean at all times, so I am constantly doing laundry. But the point of this post is not to inundate you with all the details of my domestic habits.
What got me thinking about this whole issue was something that I read recently where someone was talking about the spiritual importance of leading a clutter free existence.
I know all the theories about why clearing your clutter is supposed to be a good idea. One argument in favor of a tidy house or office is that you can often find yourself wasting many precious moments looking for things that are lost in a pile somewhere. And while it is true that I have had more than my share of frantically going through boxes or drawers trying to unearth my car keys or glasses , I also have many friends who belong to the organized home camp. And I know how much time they spend on keeping everything in it's place, so the time issue seems to be kind of a wash.
I also know the argument that living in a clutter free environment is supposed to allow you to feel less distracted and more peaceful so that you can freely attend to the important things in life, like your creative ventures. But I have never had the experience where a mountainous pile of mail or 6 pairs of shoes or boots collected under the coffee table has kept me from writing a blog post or designing a workshop or even doing my bookkeeping. For me, the surrounding clutter actually adds to my creative experience in the same mysterious way that adding yeast to flour makes bread.
I love visiting my friends who live in a Zen like serenity of order and beauty. It is very soothing and relaxing to be in an environment of spacious visual calm. But I do notice that if I am staying overnight in one of their homes and I am given my own space such as a guest bedroom, in as little as 10 minutes I will have created a cozy nest of clutter that takes over the whole room.
Now, I am not trying to sell anyone on the idea that you need to be a clutter connoisseur in order to be more creative or live a better life or anything like that. Far from it. I think that the neatness/messy preferences are pretty hard wired in and are difficult if not impossible to change.
My motivation in writing this is related to the experience that I have whenever I read a blog post or article about clutter which is that I often end up feeling somewhat inadequate and ashamed. Like I should eventually think about changing my nasty clutter ways and I should certainly never let anyone know that I live this way.
I start to think that there is something wrong with me and I become motivated to pretend that I'm not really as messy as I am. For example, whenever someone comes to my house I spend a lot of time frenetically cleaning up before they get there because I am afraid of how I will be seen and how I will be judged.
Now the people who write about clutter clearing are most often very good hearted and generous folks and what they are trying to do is to help people lead happier and more productive lives. I know that they are not intending to make me feel bad and it is certainly not their fault that I find myself exhaustedly stuffing piles of junk into my closets before my friends or family are due to arrive for a visit. What makes me feel bad is an internalized shame about who I am, a shame that I am working hard to heal. And one of the things that I know about shame is that it thrives and grows by staying hidden in the shadows of my psyche.
So I've been experimenting with this belief a little bit lately. Challenging it. And I've been doing that by starting small, one person at a time. I've been having friends over and not going into power mode decluttering before they arrive. I mean, I will make sure that they have a clear place to sit down and if I've invited them to dinner, some room on the table for their plate. But beyond that, I'm letting the rest of it be. And you know what? NOBODY CARES! Or even seems to notice very much. They just accept it. And it's slowly starting to get through my thick skull that they are coming to my home to be with me. Because they love me and want to share time with me. And they certainly don't seem to love me any less because my house is messy. My fear around their judgment is really more about my own internal judgment and it is that judgment which actually keeps the love that is available to me from always getting through.
This is another one of those " you teach what you most need to learn" kind of deals. I am very aware of how the voice of the inner critic can wreak all kinds of havoc around the creative process, so I am more conscious when it is happening in that area of my life. And of course I am always talking about this with my students. But here was this place of inner disapproval, sucking energy from me on a daily basis, and until recently, I didn't really see it at all!
I am pretty sure that the people who talk about clearing your clutter as a life changing experience found that that's what worked for them and one of the main reasons they give for neatening up your living or office space is that a messy, cluttered environment usually translates into a messy, cluttered life.
But my life is quite fine. I am deliriously, happily married to a fabulous man, have great friends, wonderful family relationships, amazing students and clients, a thriving business doing work that I love , time off from work to do other things that I love and a rich and fertile creative life.
Except for the guilt and shame that comes up at odd moments, my clutter does not impact my life in a negative way at all. And that is one of the points of this post.
Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to just let yourself be yourself. With no apologies and no excuses. Sometimes how you go about living your life is going to look very different from how other people are doing it.
We unconsciously think that if we fit in, if we look like everyone else then we must be OK. But we ARE all different and unique and sometimes that is expressed in the oddest and quirkiest ways.
We unconsciously think that if we fit in, if we look like everyone else then we must be OK. But we ARE all different and unique and sometimes that is expressed in the oddest and quirkiest ways.
If you are constantly fighting with yourself you will be wasting much precious energy that you could be using to have more fun or love or creativity in your life. One of the biggest creativity killers is comparing yourself to others. You lose sight of the fact that your true creative energy comes out of you being exactly who you are. It comes out of you embracing and celebrating your self "warts and all". And when we can make space for everything in ourselves another miracle happens in that it allows others to also more completely accept themselves. This greater sense of transparency can lead to a cascading Domino effect that opens you up to feeling safer, less scared, less self protective, more trusting and ultimately more available to love both from yourself and from your circle of family and friends.
If you are choosing to live a creative life, you need to be prepared and willing to expose yourself. Creativity and self expression always requires some element of revelation. To be creative in a way that is compelling and dynamic for us as a creator requires that we be real and honest about who we are because that is where the greatest juice lies.
As we move into 2009 I get the feeling that to successfully navigate the upcoming changes in our world and lives, we are going to need to be lightening our load a bit and learning to be more nimble and flexible. And that does mean taking some time to declutter. But clutter can be lurking inside of you of as well as being piled mile high on your dining room table.
And so what I am doing here now is taking out some internal trash. I am choosing to heal another little piece of my not feeling good enough by coming out to the world and celebrating myself as a clutter queen. I don't want to waste time or energy harboring shame about this any longer. It is done. I am letting it go.
And if you feel moved to, I want to invite and encourage you to consider doing the same. What are some areas in your life where you are still feeling "less than" or weird or unlovable? How much energy are you devoting to keep those parts of you locked away? How might it feel to celebrate your version of the clutter queen? To bring him or her out of the closet of your mind so you can let some love flow in? Tell a friend or share it with us here as one small step towards less shame and more joy in the new year.
Chris, my beautiful friend, thanks for letting your Clutter Queen out of the closet to play. :-)
I’m a Virgo, so simplicity is more my thing, but I have dear friends of both persuasions. You’re entirely right–their clutter, or lack thereof, has nothing to do with how much I love them. It also has no bearing on the things that are truly important, like how loving or kind or creative or open-hearted they are.
So hooray for letting go of the Not-Good-Enough Monster Meanies. And yaay for celebrating your own gorgeous, creatve, loving, Clutter Queen self.
Love and hugs to you,
Hiro
Thank you for this. I have been struggling with some similar self-criticism on the home front lately. I felt my shoulders dropping when I read it. Nice to take even a moment of relief/relaxation away from your coming out.
This idea of self-acceptance keeps appearing in what I read and even what I write.
And this hit home on a more direct level because my hubby and I are really cluttery, and I *do* have a lot of shame about it especially when it comes to having friends over. I even worry that our “cleanliness-levels” will turn people off (can you say, Black fur tumbleweeds?).
I can’t believe I just announced that to the internets, but I had to take on your challenge of more joy/less shame in 2009.
Thanks for writing such a beautiful, thought-provoking post.
Hiro,
Thank you, as always, for your sweet love and beutiful play with words. Love that reference to those Not Good Enough Monster Meanies! I can even see them….(-:
Tzaddi,
I’m glad that coming here allowed your shoulders to relax. That can be such a delicious feeling.
Victoria,
Another member of our beloved havi tribe. You made me laugh out loud with the Black fur tumbleweeds! I have definitely seen those around my house! Thank you for your courage in joining me in announcing our lovable clutter selves for all the internets to see!
Dear Chris
I’M A CLUTTERED VIRGO SO B*****CKS TO THAT !
sorry just had to get that off my chest… who are these anal virgoes to try and dump us into their tiny tidy corners? I have A LARGE AND MESSY LIFE and it drives me nuts the way everybody wants to come and rearrange it for me (especially my mother who specializes in breaking into my flat and ‘tidying’ which means I can’t find things for years afterwards).
And you are right clutter has not stopped me from writing, making films, teaching, entertaining, knitting, and a hundered other creative things. Its the dust bunnies in your mind you have to fight not the ones on your floor.
You’re absolutely right. De-cluttering the internal is much better than de-cluttering the house. :)
This whole issue of embracing who we are and just letting us be US is wonderful to read. Even though I’m my OCD keeps my house fairly tidy, this post still resonates with me and the fear and shame of feeling like I need to be someone else in all the other areas of my life where there’s too much “clutter.” Yay for taking out internal trash!
Hi Chris: This is my first visit to your site. I especially liked where you said, “If you are choosing to live a creative life, you need to be prepared and willing to expose yourself.” I certainly feel this need to create, but hadn’t gotten over the fear part. Reading The Fluent Self gave me a shot of courage when I needed it, so I feel like I’m starting something tho I’m not sure what.
Thanks for this post. I can identify because I have the physical and internal clutter to deal with.
I LOVE this post! I am a clutter nut as well. I organise bills and so forth, but I do all my best organising in my head. Occasionally, I’ll clean about the place but I do love being in my nest of clutter. I’ve given up trying not to leave all my books lying around.
Yes, we definitely need to work on inner rather than outer clutter. After all, that’s the stuff that really gets you stuck.
Mary- You made me laugh out loud with your comment! Is B******Ks like the word F**K in the states? And, yes I am also a Virgo constantly clearing out those “dust bunnies of the mind”.
Diane- Nice to see you back!
Claire- Yes, Havi is so great for those shots of courage. Good luck with befriending your creativity.
Joely- I know. I keep the money stuff straight, but other than that, all bets are off! Thanks for stopping by!
actually I think its a lot milder and I wanted to write F**K but I know you Americans are more sensitive to ‘bad language’ than us anglo-saxons….
I love this post, Chris, even though I’m a zen-clean guy. I live with a clutter-junkie wife and two young girls… which means I enjoy my clutter-free space in my office, and no where else. :)
But your point about the internal clutter we carry around, and how that gunks up our hearts more than our external habits, is brilliant. I couldn’t have cheered more.
I’m also going to remember Mary’s war cry, the next time my inner fastidious voices come out to wreak havoc on my level of peace: “B******Ks to that!”
from one clutter queen to another.. THANK YOU!! I’m printing this out and putting it on my cluttered refrigerator :-)
Doreen
Wow!!! I could have written this article myself. You described me and my home. Only in the past 5 years have I reached the point of letting go of the shame, most of the time. I still have a few friends that I don’t want to come to my home because of my clutter but for the most part, I don’t care. I do the major cleanup for holidays when family is coming to visit. Thanks for the article.
My hobbies are reading, quilting and writing my blog and reading other blogs. You see the evidence of these hobbies scattered throughout my house and on all of my tables.
This is a great post – both thoughtful on your part, and useful for readers – I love it! (Came here via The Fluent Self btw.)
Especially since I too am a clutterbug and have been struggling, struggling, struggling with it for ages. My other half would really prefer the zen clean-living thing so I’m always feeling guilty about spreading out. And worst of all, right now, all the clutter that was cleared from the living area over Christmas for guests, is now piled in my studio so I can’t even get in the door. (In fact, it even spills out the door into the hall. How sad is that?)
There has to be a happy medium that works for both of us. I just need to find it.
Welcome, welcome all! It’s lovely to have you stopping by!
Adam- Yes, my husband is a more zen like type of environment guy but he greatly appreciates all the creative energy that seems to go along with my clutter.
Thanks for the cheering and yes, yes, yes to Mary’s war “on internal self sabotage” cry of B*****KS. It’s going to become a new favorite expression.
Doreen- Glad that it helped!
Patricia- Nice to hear from another creative clutter bug!
Fi Bowman- The happy medium that my hubby and I have reached ( if it’s possible for you) is that he has his own completely uncluttered room/office/studio space. I’m allowed to come in and visit but otherwise it’s off limits to me and my cluttering ways.
I’m a clutter queen too! And my clutter must stay were it is, coase I need to see it’s all there! It helps me to be creative, and reminds me that I’m in my house and not my mother’s! Thanks for reminding me that I’m fine and not alone!
I’m the Queen of Organization that lives with the 3 little Piglets, David, Dalan and Austin-I think you’ve heard of them! While I can live with dust bunnies, I can’t live with my “things” being out of their “place”. It disrupts my creative process. I think we are born with this. My dad told me I was like this as a little girl-everything had a compartment or box and I was neat as a pin. As far as you being a Clutter Queen…you are what you are and those that love you will love you and to heck with those that don’t. If there are clothes lying on a chair when I come over, I’ll toss them on another chair!
This post is filled with delicious food-for-thought. I had a similar moment of truth when my sis and her boyfriend came for Valentines weekend. Usually I run around the house frantic on the day of, chastising myself and anyone in my path for being so messy and causing my to feel so chaotic and unnerved. This time I decided to just let it go. To remind myself that my sister was coming to see me because she loves me and not because she wanted to see how clean my house it. It was very freeing. And self-affirming. While she was here I just lounged around and enjoyed her company rather than following her around with a broom and dust pan, trying to prove just how well I keep my house up. (I just got a great visual for that sentence.)
Thank you for confirming that it is ok to prioritize life and love and creativity and joy before a spic-n-span house.
My next challenge… to maintain this same level of authenticity when my mom, the anal Virgo who wipes down her walls once a month, comes to visit. Cross your fingers for me… I just may need it! :)
And thanks for visiting my blog. I can’t wait to explore your site further.
I’m raising my cup of coffee to everyone who accepts themselves as they are. Clutter queens and neat freaks alike! :)
I love my clutter and am never ashamed of it …………loved reading your post ..x