Like most creative types I have an ongoing love affair with art supplies. It still thrills me no end to go into an art store and walk up and down the aisles looking at the multitudinous tubes and colors of paint, fondling the different sizes and types of brushes, inhaling the scent of the waxy oil pastels and flipping through art sketchbooks large and small,full of empty, white,virginal paper and that delicious sense of creative promise.
And I don’t stop with just looking and browsing. I shop and I buy and I collect….multitudes and piles of creative gear. Between my home and my painting studio where I teach my classes I probably have enough stuff where I could open up a shop myself.
I love these things with an unholy passion and it makes me insanely happy to be surrounded by so much artistic possibility.
But I have a dirty little secret and a still unhealed wound around my creative collection of art paraphernalia.
The scary, spectacular journal.
A number of years ago one of my students gave me a gorgeous journal that she had made by hand. It has a soft, green suede cover, subtle purple stitching on the spine, a beaded strap that wraps around the outside to keep it closed and it opens onto creamy, thick paper with artfully torn and distressed edges. This journal is a true work of art, created with love and inspiration.
And in all the years that I have had it I have opened it a few times. I have caressed the buttery suede and pressed that rich, luscious paper to my face. But I have never, EVER put one mark on any of those pages.
The darn thing is so exquisite that it intimidates me. I’m afraid that I can’t live up to it. Because it is so lovely in and of itself I feel like I can only put something in it if that something is superb and spectacular.
Goddess forbid I mar those perfect pages with a laundry list of ongoing whines about the difficulties in my life. What if I begin a collage and and get unwanted glue all over that luxuriant, wondrous paper? Or I begin to paint and instead of the hoped for masterpiece what appears is all weird and trite and juvenile?
So I don’t do anything at all. I have this beautiful journal stored in a pile with a bunch of other beautiful journals all waiting for that day when I feel I am worthy enough to put something in them. And up to this point that day has yet to come.
At least I’m not the only one.
The really sad news is that I am not alone. I can’t tell you how many people have confessed to me that they have drawers, closets, ROOMS filled with art supplies. That they will occasionally go and visit their ever growing paint collection or reams of gorgeous fabric and experience a certain kind of wistful pleasure that these things exist. But something holds them back from actually squirting the paint onto a palette or getting out the shears and cutting into that shimmering bolt of silk.
These clean tubes and empty sketchbooks speak to endless creative possibilities and potentials. Having all these amazing supplies ready and waiting for you is like being at that point in the creative journey when anything can happen.
And it gets way, way worse when the supplies themselves are expensive. If people who have never painted before start out by buying themselves high end oil paints and stretched canvases I’d be willing to bet that those objects will never, ever get used. The things themselves have become too precious. These paints and paper are like hoarded treasures that in and of themselves become cherished and adored.
If you have sprung for art materials that have cost you a lot of money that means you have to create a painting that you can at least feel proud enough to hang in your living room if not the San Francisco MOMA!
So what happens for a lot of people is that they get kind of stuck in this potential phase.
I hate it when perfectionism is so darn sneaky.
I think that this holding back is an unacknowledged form of perfectionism. Those paint tubes are just so CLEAN and unsullied. That uncut fabric is so beautiful and rich and whole. That green suede journal is a jewel just as it is. All of these creative accouterments are in a flawless and perfect state. And there’s just NO guarantee that when you start using your art stuff that you’re not going to completely mess things up!
When you start really utilizing those gorgeous treasures you have no idea what you’re going to end up with. It might be something you absolutely hate… or something that you feel disappointed in or ashamed of.
And that’s what holds people back.
It’s that fear of being confronted with something less than perfect. Less than ideal. So the paints stay all nice and cozied up in their shiny little paint skins and and the fantasy stays alive that someday…. at some point in the future ….. those art supplies will eventually become art.
Mess is not a four letter word… well it is but…. oh never mind.
When you go into a working artists studio you see very few unopened containers of paint. Most of those tubes are half squeezed, twisted, cracked and covered with paint themselves. They are often in a jumble somewhere, not lined up and color co-ordinated!
To be creative you have to be willing to make a mess. And to sometimes make a very BIG mess. One of the things that I love about my painting studio is the sense that it’s OK to lose control there. It’s a place where artistic chaos reigns.
That is one of the main reasons that I use kids paint and paper in my painting classes. People are much more willing to experiment and try things and make mistakes when the supplies themselves are not demanding something more.
Ultimately that fantasy of perfection ends up being pretty empty. Eventually that gorgeous paper in the journal will get moldy and yellowed and the paint tubes will end up only getting dried out and gathering dust. And your creative life will forever be on hold as you worship at the shrine of “someday art.”
I’ve been under a spell….. who knew?
So I don’t know about you, but I am ready to break that paralyzing spell that has been keeping me and my creative juiciness in its clutches for way too long now. I’m going to start USING that outrageous green journal. Today.
I have no idea what’s going to happen, but hey, isn’t that exactly the point? And I would love to hear from any of you as you take the risk of unearthing your treasure trove of too precious materials out from cold storage and start making some art!
Wrecking Journals Can Be Fun
This post has been partly inspired by the amazing Jamie Ridler over at Jamie Ridler Studios. She has been hosting something she calls The Next Chapter where she chooses a book on creativity and a bunch of women bloggers read the book together and write posts about their experience.
The book she is “hosting” right now is call Wreck This Journal by Keri Smith and even though this post is not about that particular book ( at least right now) I am offering these musings in the spirit of journal wrecking everywhere!
My First Podcast!
I have also been interviewed about my take on the creative process by the lovely Danny Hobson who is the director of the fabulous Arts and Healing Network which is a comprehensive online resource for art, healing and creativity practitioners from all over the country and the world.
She made me feel so comfortable and at ease during the interview process that I sound like I even know what I am talking about! You can listen to that interview, which is in the form of a podcast, by clicking here.
There you go spilling all my secrets again! The precious supply thing is really sneaky. I only apply it to certain things. Paints, even really expensive one- no problem. Paper on the other hand is tough. I’m OK with medium expensive, but tend to horde the really expensive. Same with beads and fabric.
I do agree with you though, the journals are the worst. There is something about worthiness that gets triggered deeply. Something about them being bound— so it feels like you have to keep everything in them. None of the throwing the things out that are so embarrassing and awful. Because I produce a LOT of awful. Which is OK if other people don’t see it. It’s crazy since many people have seen my awful. I’ve lived in artist communities and worked in joint studios. BLAH.
Glad I’m not alone in my neurosis. No, I’m switching that. Glad I am not alone in being a normal creative.
I agree with Christine about the bound-ness of journals.
But I can see that the hoarding of supplies is a pretty common trait. I LOVE the idea of buying kids materials in order to free up creativity.
I think knitters and spinners and other fibre people do this kind of thing, too. You don’t want to spin that gorgeously dyed wonderful fibre until you are a better spinner. You need the perfect pattern for that perfect yarn. And meanwhile all the yarn and fibre are piling up and not getting made into anything.
It was great to read this. I’ve been blogging about exactly the same thing and, as one of Jamie’s ‘wreckers’ have been learning that actually using all these amazing materials is actually much more fun than just looking at them! I, like you, have hundreds of pounds worth of supplies and hey guess what I am actually using that beautiful piece of paper I was saving for something – what exactly was never defined! The wrecking journey also means not minding if something doesn’t turn out perfect – so we can experiment, splash, slosh, fold, squidge and anything else that takes our fancy. As I write, my journal is a bit damp with a liberal sprinkling of salt on it! Wrecking is great fun!
Oh, how did you get into my head like this!?! So so true, and here’s to using all those great art supplies to make a huge gorgeous mess.
PS once I was telling a really good artist that I was afraid to “waste art supplies” and she just looked at me and said “but there is no such possibility. It’s never a waste when you try to create, even if it comes out “wrong” you have learned something!” Wise wise wise.
This is so true for me to – I love to buy supplies – fabric, beads, mediums, paints, thread, etc. And I am constantly organizing it so I can find what strikes me in the moments of creative flow. I joined a fiber arts quilt group about a year and a half ago which freed me up some in terms of using what I have. I am getting better and better at ‘using what I have’ for my current obsessions. And often I’m thankful that I bought that ______ last week, last month or last year. I’m using some paints tonight that I bought almost a year ago & decided – hey, if I mess up, I can start over, or make a creative adjustment.
I also collect ‘techniques’ and have been referring to myself lately as a technique junkie. Sometimes I just have to tell myself to ‘pick one’ and go for it. And I always learn something in the process. Thanks for the insightful post and the encouragement.
I LOVE art supply stores!! There is one down the road that I have labelled My Store. Mr. Very Right has His Stores, and they generally involve power tools, and screws, and bits of rope. My Store has beads, and papers, and paints, and sculpting tools and …. sigh. Whenever we drive by it, Mr Very Right tells me to avert my eyes, so I won’t succumb to its siren call. Seriously, I never walk out of there for under $200.
As for using my purchases, my trick is to immediately take them out of their packages, and dump them in the appropriate drawer in my studio. There they get all mussed up with my older stuff, such that when I dive in to get something it’s not immediately obvious that it is a virgin tool or supply. Works well!
I totally relate to not wanting to spoil a fabulous journal! But I don’t even like to write in a brand new blank cheapo one from the dime store. So usually I use plain old printer paper. I grab a sheet from the tray and start. “It’s just printer paper!” Then I have loose sheets of paper all over the place. I do put them in nice pocket folders with patterned covers… the ones that don’t end up wadded up in the trash, that is.
Oddly, when I started the Wreck this JOurnal game, the first thing I WANTED to do to that pristine journal book was write in it. Not sure if the writing on the pages primed the pump or it was the wreckering factor at work. LOL
But, for some odd reason this past week I bought several cahier style booklets and actually started using them. Hmmmmm. Next thing ya know I might be at the art supply store getting real pens or something. Yikes.
I know just what you mean. I can fill up a legal notepad or spiral notebook quick as you please, but those fancy journals people give me always seem to collect dust, and it’s for exactly the reasons you state. It does make you wonder what it would feel like to mar the perfect pages of a pretty journal. I’ll have to try that soon.
Nice job on the redesign on the blog page by the way! Love it!
Omg finally someone put what I’ve been feeling into words..lol.. everything you said was spot on, I feel the exact same way. Part of me is afraid to use my art supplies because I’m afraid I won’t be able to replace them, and the other half is afraid I won’t be able to live up to the beauty those art supplies could create by more experienced hands! It’s this stuck feeling that won’t go away and it sucks.
It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. Thank you so much