I’ve always assumed that waking up is where it’s at
“Become more conscious” has been my motto
Open your eyes and try to see as much as you possibly can
Let brightness and the blinding light of clarity lead the way
But the murky land of dreams
Has lately been pulling me down
Into it’s swirl of blurred edges
And incoherent feelings
Soft and dimmed
Like being in a room
Where there is only one small, flickering candle
That throws more shadow than light
My normal vision is not very useful
In this place of shifting formlessness
I don’t know what I’m seeing
As my eyes try to make sense of shapes that won’t hold still
That won’t obey my need to name them
So that I can easily file them away
In the box marked known, understood, predictable and safe
This darkness holds secrets that disappear like smoke
Like mist when illumination brings it’s brilliant glare
This place of velvet blackness has no interest in revelation
It prefers to remain anonymous, mysterious and self contained
It does not hunger for definition or coherence
It is content to bathe me in confusion
To twirl me around till I’m dizzy and stumbling
And I no longer know my own name
My old stories come tumbling out of me in a mess of tattered bits
Like an ancient jigsaw puzzle
Where half the pieces are missing
And the rest are faded and stained
It is clear, even to me, that all hope is lost
Who I thought I was can’t be reassembled
There’s not enough to go on
No clues to lead me back to what I always held to be true
There is only one thing left to do
But I don’t know what it is
So I do the only thing I can
Which is to throw the puzzle pieces away
Close my eyes
And pray
Poignant, beautiful, profound….. and important…. oh so important to allow onesself to sink where you cannot breathe until the gold coins at the bottom of the well catch your eye…. to trust in the night that holds us all, even the light. Sending love and joining in prayer.