I've always assumed that waking up is where it's at

"Become more conscious" has been my motto

Open your eyes and try to see as much as you possibly can

Let brightness and the blinding light of clarity lead the way

But the murky land of dreams

Has lately been pulling me down

Into it's swirl of blurred edges

And incoherent feelings

Soft and dimmed

Like being in a room

Where there is only one small, flickering candle

That throws more shadow than light

My normal vision is not very useful

In this place of shifting formlessness

I don't know what I'm seeing

As my eyes try to make sense of shapes that won't hold still

That won't obey my need to name them

So that I can easily file them away

In the box marked known, understood, predictable and safe

This darkness holds secrets that disappear like smoke

Like mist when illumination brings it's brilliant glare

This place of velvet blackness has no interest in revelation

It prefers to remain anonymous, mysterious and self contained

It does not hunger for definition or coherence

It is content to bathe me in confusion

To twirl me around till I'm dizzy and stumbling

And I no longer know my own name

My old stories come tumbling out of me in a mess of tattered bits

Like an ancient jigsaw puzzle

Where half the pieces are missing

And the rest are faded and stained

It is clear, even to me, that all hope is lost

Who I thought I was can't be reassembled

There's not enough to go on

No clues to lead me back to what I always held to be true

There is only one thing left to do

But I don't know what it is

So  I do the only thing I can

Which is to throw the puzzle pieces away

Close my eyes

And pray

BIG ... That is one of those words that has a lot of baggage associated with it... especially if you are a sensitive creative type.

Big is related to being VISIBLE.  To taking up space. To coming out of hiding. To asking for what you want and need.

On the surface these all sound like really great things. We can look at that list and say "OF course that's what I want! Who wouldn't?" But when we actually start moving in the direction of BIG we can find ourselves surprised by fear. And nagging feelings of guilt or apprehensiveness.

Thinking about taking up space can lead to a whole cascading chain of worry. "Maybe there's only so much space to go around? And if that's the case, does my getting bigger make me a greedy space hog?  Does it mean that I will be pushing someone else out? Or that I am taking something away from another person?"

These fears are based on the notion that there is only so much BIGNESS to go around. That not everyone gets to be big. Which stems from the belief that we live in a world of lack and limitation.

When you come from the reality of "not enough",  being big starts to get all mixed up with things like competition. One-up-manship. Hierarchies and being better than someone else. Looking through the scarcity-every-woman-for-herself-lens, being big means that someone else has to be small. That there have to be winners and losers.

And if winning means that someone else has to lose, and you are a heart centered, sensitive type person, that means that winning is no longer very much fun.

Under those circumstances, being big starts to lose its appeal. We certainly don't want to hurt anyone else. Or to be seen as too much, too self important, too grandiose. So we think that our only other option is to keep ourselves stunted. Hidden. Invisible.

These attitudes and beliefs around getting bigger also make an assumption that it is either or. Either we are part of a tribe, a group, a loving family where everyone is treated fairly but it means we give up our desire to shine. Or we get to be big and visible and shimmering and end up lonely, isolated, excluded from the circle of love and acceptance.

But what if all we have learned about that is just simply wrong? What if we could have it both ways? What if being big meant that we created MORE space for each other? What if our bigness could be an inspiration?

What if our shining provided a light for others to follow?

In my studio I offer high quality paper that is of ample size, but students can tape the sheets together to make even larger paintings. It's a heady time when a student can let themselves spread out and take up some real space. When they can make a HUGE painting, one that can sometimes cover an entire wall.

Creating a giant painting is a dizzying and terrifying prospect, and most people need lots of encouragement and support to take this step. Which of course is present for them in great abundance at my workshops.

In the past year or so this desire to go big has moved through my studio like a glorious wildfire.  More and more folks have caught the big bug and I have watched as paintings have grown to gorgeously stunning and wildly gargantuan proportions. And yes, this HAS meant that I have had to build a few more large easels to accommodate the growth.

But it has been so worth it. Because each time one of my students took the risk to get bigger in this hothouse environment of love and respect and sheer abundance , their longing to spread out has been met with joy and excitement. By everyone. No one has felt at all diminished by someone else's expansion.

When someone gets BIG in an atmosphere where lack and competition don't exist it gives permission and creates a sense of possibility for EVERYONE. No one is left out. We all get to shine and shimmer together.

Which is really the way it should be. So I invite you today to take a risk to be BIG .... and SHINE ... to TAKE UP SPACE... and ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.. in the spirit of creating that magnificent space of BIGNESS for us all.

Her invitation is always the same

"Come and play" says she

Let's explore and uncover together

Another of the many vast worlds

That you hold inside your wild creative heart

She knows the way

Her compass is unfailing

She is eager to lead us

On deep diving expeditions

Into the watery dreamtime

Of places like

The Ocean Of Iridescence

Where we soon find ourselves bobbing back to the surface

With armfuls of oil pastels

Clutched tightly and greedily to our bodies

Melting into our bellies and fingers

With the heat of our longing to create

Or with rainbows of paint

Streaming in many hued brilliant rivulets down our arms and legs

Dissolving every last bit of us

Into tributaries of magenta, and turquoise and chartreuse

At another time

She joyfully encourages us to boldly stride

Into the Crystalline Castle of Words

Inviting the magic spellcasting of appellations

Such as "transcendence" and "luscious" and "wormhole" and "squabble"

To swirl around us

Entering our eyes and our ears

As sparkling points of radiant light

Swallowing them whole in big gulps of nourishing wisdom

Taking them deep into our bones

Where they alchemize into something holy and true

And come tripping across our tongues

As story and poem and sacred inspiration

She is insatiable, this one

Our heart, our muse

Always hungry for another chance

To bring together startling images

Multi-layered feelings

And celestial sound

Into dazzling new patterns never before seen

She doesn't understand why we once again refuse her call

"What do you mean?" She asks incredulously

How could answering that email

Running that errand

Or proving your value

By being dutiful and responsible yet again

Be more enticing than these worlds of delight and magic

That are your all too human birthright?

How can you so often rebuff my summons to enter

Into these luminous landscapes of artistry and adventure

Of imagination and enchantment

Of invention and innovation

That are always just one brushstroke, one keystroke, one lilting breath of melody away

From the hurried fretfulness of your anxious life

"But I will never give up" says she

I have a sacred task to perform

You can count on me to be relentless

And constant

And ever present in reminding you

That your true home has always been

And always will be

In the lands of creative joy

“Shug: More than anything God love admiration.
Celie: You saying God is vain?
Shug: No, not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off when you walk by the colour purple in a field and don’t notice it.
Celie: You saying it just wanna be loved like it say in the bible?
Shug: Yeah, Celie. Everything wanna be loved. Us sing and dance, and holla just wanting to be loved. Look at them trees. Notice how the trees do everything people do to get attention… except walk?
[they laugh]
Shug: Oh Miss Celie, I feels like singing! ”

Alice Walker’s : The Color Purple

An artist is simply a person who makes art.

Someone who is wildly excited about the prospect of taking an idea or an insight and bringing it into existence in a tangible form. An artist is also someone who hungers to give voice to their inner world ... to make their thoughts, their feelings, their fantasies and their experiences visible by turning them into some kind of an artistic expression.

They love the process of allowing their imagination to interact with their intuition and then riding that wild wave of inspiration to an unknowable conclusion. To take the risk of opening to their muse and trusting creative instinct to lead the way.

This process of creation is something that is incredibly compelling and satisfying in and of itself.

It's what happens to people when they sit down to paint or write a piece of music or make a meal with no recipe and one or two or three hours later step out of the deliciousness and timelessness of the creative trance to find that they are back in the familiar world of structure and schedule.

This is the blessed adventure of creative flow.  The holy experience of aligning yourself with creative source. The magic of knowing yourself to be a creator by entering into a relationship with the sacred and your own essential self.

When we are really lined up with our creative life force we are channeling whatever genius we were brought into this world to be and to express.

When we are fully open to this energy of creative aliveness we are not concerned with anybody's thoughts or opinions or judgments about what we are creating. Including our own. We are not making art for anyone else. We are simply making art because it needs to be made.

This part of the creative process is incredibly internal. It's about our relationship with ourselves. With our own authentic core of being. And our private relationship to spirit. It's more akin to prayer, to deep listening, to soul work.

This part of the creative process needs open space and uninterrupted time. It requires a great deal of surrender and letting go of all kinds of preconceived notions, expectations and attachments to how we think things should be. It demands compassionate presence and courageous self awareness. In many ways it is the ultimate spiritual practice.

But I see the creative process as a two stage journey. The first stage is the part I have just described.

But the second part of the process is related to a whole other set of needs. And this second part of the journey can derail the first part if we aren't mindful about how the two work together.

Once the art has been created there is a deep desire to share it with the world.

There is a drive for the creative expression to be received as the gift that it is. The gift might be the gift of beauty, of touching someone's heart and allowing them to feel, of healing, the gift of pleasure or delight, the gift of being transported out of your day to day life into another world of magic and wonder and reverence.

The artist wants their work to be seen, to be felt, to be tasted and ultimately appreciated.

This is where the hunger for recognition comes in. And all the things that go along with recognition like applause, celebration, popularity, admiration and approval.

And, especially in this culture, the ultimate commendation, which is money.

This need for an audience... for people who are thrilled to celebrate your creative accomplishments ... for people who love and appreciate your work ... is incredibly valid. It's the public part of the creative process. It's the place where every artist is at heart a performer, no matter how introverted you may be.

Painters and photographers perform through galleries. Musicians through CD's. Writers through blogs and books. But what dims the shining artist soul is the manuscript that is lying unread at the bottom of a drawer. The paintings that are getting moldy out in the garage. The music that is hanging out on Garage Band that no one else has ever heard.

And what breaks that creative heart into pieces is receiving those rejection letters when you take that manuscript out of the drawer and find out that no one wants to publish it. The galleries that never even return your calls after you have left them a digital copy of your portfolio. The pile of unsold CD's that are sitting right where you left them after you performed at an open mike.

The performance part of us truly needs to be seen and valued. There is nothing wrong with having those desires. But when we DON'T get those needs to be seen and valued met it triggers feelings of shame. Of inadequacy. Of not feeling like we are worthy of attention and love.

And there isn't a human being on the planet who won't do whatever is necessary to not EVER trigger those feelings of shame.

This performance piece is so critical and often so fraught with distress that artists will do almost anything to circumnavigate it.

Sometimes that looks like not creating anything at all. Or denying that you really are an artist. ( And everyone is an artist). So why bother. It doesn't matter anyway.

But another popular strategy is putting the cart before the horse by trying to figure out what WILL get you the recognition and approval. The love and the money. And trying to get your art to be what you think someone wants instead of allowing it to be what it truly needs to be.

Because as artists, our art IS so connected to who we really are, it's really hard to not take the lack of response personally.

The creative part of us can be happy simply creating. That's all it needs. It doesn't need permission form anyone else to thrive. It's about the relationship between you and your muse. But the performance part of us IS dependent on outside response. We want to know that who we are matters to others. That our gifts are welcomed and received.

And that part of us needs to be taken seriously. It deserves to get it's needs for attention met. But what we don't want to do is to let the performance part of us turn the shame it feels when ignored or rejected onto our creative efforts. To convince us that there is something wrong with our authentic artistic expression because the performance part of us didn't get fed.

And to then abandon our true expression in order to get that attention.

There are many different reasons why we don't get the kind of response we want to our creative offerings. But none of them usually have to do with your belief that you suck at being an artist.

It's always a good idea to try and keep that in mind. And to also know that are definitely times in every artists life when the performer self needs a little extra TLC.

So if your performer self is feeling under-appreciated here's a few things you can do to help it feel special again.

1.) Recognize and honor that need for recognition for what it is. It is always legitimate and very human to want to be appreciated . Don't shame yourself for your yearning.

2.) Make some space to feel the grief, the pain and the disappointment. Let yourself cry. Call a friend and tell them how much it hurts.

3.) Find someone who CAN see and acknowledge you. Risk asking for feedback or appreciation from someone you know who can freely give it.

4.) Practice taking the admiration and acknowledgment that is available to you IN. Allow it to feed and nurture you. The performance part of us has been wounded in so many ways that often there is no sense of enough. One of the ways that we hurt ourselves is by getting caught in a cycle of comparing ourselves to others success ( and finding ourselves lacking)  which means that we miss out on the ways that we ARE being treasured.

And finally, it's important to remember that what we truly want is to be loved for who we are. And that love is always available to you. As nourishing as it get the goodies from the outside, nothing is as sweet and reliable as giving yourself your OWN appreciative attention and applause for the gift that you are.